As hard as it is to believe, this coming week will bring an end to my Daily Heart Sutras. Unbelievable! Where, oh where, did 95 days go? I remember way back somewhere in the 20's asking myself how on earth i had convinced myself to commit to 100 consecutive days. I'm still completely unsatisfied with what i produce with each writing, and have yet to finish one and think "good job." My guess is that to get to the point where i actually liked one of them i'd have to continue for another 100 days, at least.
I wonder if the TransAm ride is going to pass by just as quickly. Probably will. Plus, at what point will i wake up and say "What were you thinking?" And, how long will it take after that to settle into the daily routine that gets you through these long trips. In the end, i'm willing to bet that by the time i return to Chicago in late July it will have felt like i was only on the road for a few weeks.
Going back to the Heart Sutra, i suppose i should stop thinking about whether i like what i write or not. It might be better to take the advice of my yoga teacher who is constantly harping "Don't judge yourself. Do what you can, to the best of your abilities, and just accept where you are." And when i say "Yeah, but..." her hands shoot up with her fingers pointing at me like she is going to poke out both of my eyes and she cuts me off with "No buts! No judging. Let it come."
I admit that is difficult for me to do as i have always pushed myself to do more and be better at whatever i do. It's like a mild disease for some people, and i'm one of those. But, in the back of my mind, i can picture a beautifully written Heart Sutra. I can close my eyes right now and see it. Easily. It's one of those i would hang on the wall. It's there, i see it, it just refuses to come out.
Someday....... when the gods are willing, my heart is open, and my fingers are listening.
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