Spiraling Into Control

As you may already know, i'll leave my current job sometime around the middle of January. Assuming that i'll have a lot of time available to catch up and make some of the changes/additions to the Shikoku website that i've been putting off, i've spent a little time over the past few days looking through the site and reminding myself what is there (surprisingly, i don't visit it all that often).

While looking through my 2007 journal, i found this paragraph again:

"...i was listening to a podcast the other day in which Hogen Bays gave a quote that he attributed to Henry Moore. I don't remember it word for word, but in essence it was something like: 'Everyone needs a passion so large that they can throw their energy and life into it, but which they can never completely accomplish.' Isn't that so true? It's in these great and grand passions that we actually live a life instead of just existing for another lifetime. Instead of just another round on the samsaric wheel, believe passionately that a spiral is possible instead. You're still going around, but growing at the same time. It's in the never-ending chase for these completely unaccomplishable goals that we find what we are made of. That's also one of the quotes on the first page of this web site, and it came from T.S. Eliot. 'Only those who dare to go too far can possibly find out how far they can go.' That's my mantra on my long training runs as i get closer to the Chicago Marathon in the fall, and will repeat it over and over as the miles build up. But, it is also my mantra on the trail on Shikoku. You'd be surprised what you can learn by doing nothing more complicated than walking. If you do it correctly, that is. And if you push yourself you can take yourself past limits you never imagined. You can see things about your life that you never imagined possible. You can see things about life that you didn't even know you could imagine."

I really love the concept of having a passion so large that it can engulf you and your life, but which you can never hope to fully accomplish in this life. Yet, this points directly to what is probably one of the biggest contradictions in my life. On the one hand, i have, for as long as i can remember breathing, believed in spirals over circles. A life where you aren't growing is not a life worth talking about, in my opinion. On occasion i jokingly tell people that if you aren't growing and learning, then you might as well just pull the trigger, but i have seen several people blink when i say that so try to keep it to myself now.

I don't believe that we are 'here' with a given purpose that we need to fulfill. I do believe, however, that we all give our lives purpose — and that every person's purpose will be unique, even if in some small way. And the closer you get your purpose to the great, unachievable passion that Henry Moore alluded to, the better, happier, and more fulfilling your life will be.

On the other hand, i am a firm believer in living a simple life. Live in a house that fit's your needs, not the Jones' expectations. Drive a car that gets you around, not just from fuel pump to fuel pump. Better yet, learn to walk and ride your bicycle again. Buy what you need and give yourself an occasional treat of something you want, as opposed to buying everything you see that catches your fancy. Be content with what you have. Learn to appreciate what you have. Learn to appreciate that you don't need everything. Learn to appreciate how much you really do have as compared to the vast majority of the people living south of the equator.

But, if you let that simplicity take over, and you lead a life of complacency, a life with no challenges, a life with no goals high enough to reach down and pull you up above just plain existence, then ..... then..... well, then i don't see how you can call it a life. At least not a life much different than a slug.

That goal can be anything at all — from learning how to solve Maxwell's Equations or Quantum Physics to learning how to knit a sweater with knit 2-pearl 3 instead of the other way around. It can be training to run a 3 hour marathon or working up to walking 5 blocks. It can be setting aside enough time to read one book a month or enough time to read the entire Pali Cannon. It can be taking a class in public speaking or learning 20 new knock-knock jokes. It can be learning to sit still for 5 minutes or learning to sit long enough to last through a week long sesshin.

The point is, everyone's goals are going to be different, and they are all great, all wonderful, all worthy ... as long as they make you stretch your limits.

I could rattle off a half-dozen goals i have set for myself next year. Each one will demand more of myself than i was able to do in 2008. Some are physical and will entail many hours in my running shoes. Some are physical and will entail many hours sitting on my butt. Some require studying. Some will prove i'm full of hot air. The biggest one, though, may simply be convincing myself that i'm not a professional failure and getting myself to believe in myself once again. Not an easy task, maybe close to impossible, but hey, ya gotta' try.